"Lord, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of eternal life." John 6:68
But just now, this moment, as I picked up my journal I realized I don't know the context of this verse. Who is asking this? What is the answer? So I flip to John 6 to discover that this is not a prayer for direction from the God who knows all and has all, but it is a declaration made by Peter. Just before these words, Jesus is being abandoned en masse by his followers because they can't accept His difficult teaching that He comes from Heaven and can give them eternal life. They just can't do it. So, Jesus turns to his twelve closest disciples and asks, "You do not want to leave too, do you?" (Jn 6:67) That's when this verse comes in. Peter cries out in response, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God" (Jn 6:68-9).
What beauty! What joy! What single-minded purpose! Where else is there but with Jesus? Oh, simplicity! Where ever I do physically go, I am with Him and He with me.
Ten years we spent preparing to go. We thought we had so much to offer and knew so much. I don't think we would have thought that we thought that, but looking back, I'm gonna pin it. Compared to now, we were babies. Now we've lived it.
Two years of intense medical crisis. One of my first questions to the doctor after discovering Annika's heart condition was, "How long until we can go? How long until she's stable?" Ah! How foolish and naïve. The answer is we don't know and never and six months stable six months not and pay attention to your baby now! Nobody said that, but that's the answer. There's not really an answer.
Last week I slipped out of the house for the evening and found myself prostrate on the prayer chapel floor at Biola. I wrote in that journal and probably prayed the prayer. Where?!
We've stepped forward. We've been accepted to a missions organization. We've spoken to another missions organization who wants us to move forward with them. It feels like people are saying, "Yes. Go. We'll find a way."
I don't know that that's wrong. But in the small whispering times in these past months, we have heard nothing of, "Go." We have heard words more like this,
"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."
Psalm 37:3-7a
And last week on that floor, it wasn't "Go," again. It was "embrace the life I have given you." This season of suffering, what if it's not a season, but a new way?
I've known this. And I've said the words, "Thy will be done," but when rubber meets the road, when it's time to let go of my dreams and let God take the wheel, wow. What does it look like to not only allow God's will to be done, but to embrace it?
That's the difference. I think I've been passively allowing God's will these past months (as if I had any control), but what if I were to each day pray the prayer, "Here am I and I embrace Your will."? Wouldn't that look much different? To name that sadness, to grieve it - yes - but then to actively embrace it as a part of my story.
This calling is a much different "Here am I" calling than I had anticipated and hoped for, but still a calling. Run to Jesus. To whom else can we go?? He will work through us no matter where we live.
Oswald Chambers says that strength and joy and freedom comes as soon as we accept the strain. His words ring wisdom.
The song, "Find Me in the River" speaks of suffering, patience, desperation, and shows a broken, alone-feeling but still respectful sinner embracing the hardship. I like it.
You can listen to it here
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Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought our pretty crowns
But never paid the price
(refrain)
Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees
With my soul laid bare
Even though You're gone
And I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river
I'm waiting here
Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We didn't count on suffering
We didn't count on pain
But if the blessing's in the valley
Then in the river I will wait
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