To Do

• Grocery shop
• Clean 
• bathrooms
• kitchen
• + wipe cupboards and walls
• + mop
• living room
• bedrooms
• Dress the baby
• Feeding therapy with the baby
• Dispense medications
• Mix formula
• Clean up time with the kids
• Clean up kids spills and messes (5-10X daily)
• Read with each kid for at least 10 minutes each day
• Listen to my kids
• Make Breakfast
• Clean up Breakfast
• Make Lunch
• Clean up Lunch
• Make Dinner
• Clean up Dinner
• Make snacks 
• Clean up Snacks
• Comfort crying kids
• Supervise the baby outside
• Change diapers
• Wash laundry
• Fold laundry
• Guard laundry from jumping kids and swinging objects
• Put away laundry
• Bathe kids
• Take kids to the park
• Mediate kids' arguments
• Discipline
• Discipline again (and again and again and again)
• Make Doctor's appointments
• Go to Doctor's appointments
• Order medical supplies
• Go the the Library
• Drop and pick-up kid from co-op
• Home school my kids
• Make sure I'm teaching the right curriculum
• Follow the proper method when I teach
• Document what I teach
• Document how in depth each kid knows what I've taught
• Document each state standard they have met
• E-mail people
• Other communication with people
• Pay bills
• Wash the van
• Call the phone company
• Paint that bare spot on the wall
• Fix the shower
• Fix the bathroom drawer
• Fix the shelf
• Exercise
• Eat healthy
• Shower
• Brush my hair
• Look at my husband
• Talk to my husband
• Beat my husband in rummicub
• Play the piano
• Play the guitar
• Sing
• Spend quiet time in prayer
• Read my Bible

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When I quit my job after the 3rd baby came, someone asked me what I was planning on DOING all day at home!?  I guess, before I quit, I managed to fit all these things in, somehow, while also working outside of the home (and so many people I know and love follow the working road still-I commend them for their hard, hard work and perseverance!).  At any rate, this is where I'm at today and this is my current list of this year, this stage.  I am not sitting around bored.  I never wonder what to do.  In fact, as you might have noticed, I feel a bit crazy most of the time.

This list is my list.  You have your own etchings that make the busyness of your life - different from mine.  The point is-we've all got lists of demands.  My list is not in any particular order and it's not comprehensive, but I got too bored writing it to add anymore to it.  Really, the most important part of my list are the very last two listed.  And-ironically-spiritual battlishly-sadly-or somethingly-those tend to be the most difficult two to fit in.

Just over a year ago, when I was in the dredges of sick baby and I couldn't often go to church and I was running all the time to keep everyone alive at home and I was drop dead tired, I had to find another way spend time with God.  What I had known as worship, up until then, was to spend time reading my Bible each day and to meet together on Sundays with other Christians.  Also, I had experienced a few camps and retreats which bolstered my faith.   But I couldn't do any of that anymore.  I was so supported by people around me, but at the same time, so alone in the task given me.  I prayed to find a way to integrate worship into my everyday life, into that list, as I cooked and diaper-changed and disciplined and figured out feeding tube stuff.

God really met me in a special way as I prayed for ideas (these were really fast, desperate, on-the-run prayers).  In my tiny claustrophobic condo, I needed to be reminded of God more.  So I, firstly, put up signs with verses.  These visually remind me of where my thoughts ought to be and of God's amazing plan. One of my very favorites says simply, "Abide in Him."  Abide in Him.  I remember a specific moment when I was particularly flustered in my motherhood journey and had just lost my temper with my kids.  I walked the 5 steps from their bedroom and around the corner to the living room, leaned my head against the wall, looked up.......Abide in Him.  It's like a teal whispering every time I look that direction.  Abide in Him.

A second way God led me to integrate worship was to put my hymnal on a stand right next to the kitchen sink.  I specifically chose that location.  For some reason, washing dishes was where my mind would start to wander in judgement, criticism and self-pity.  I hated washing dishes, and maybe this was why.  It was my angry spot.  But now, if I'm not singing a song and my mind starts to wander in the wrong direction, I intentionally avert my eyes and mind to the words in the book- "Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty-early in the morning my song will rise to thee."  Not only have I become less resentful and angry, but I've grown closer to God in singing these old words and my kids occasionally burst out in something amazing ("This is my STO------RY, this is my song!).  My angry spot is now my worship spot.  That's the kind of thing God does, the great heart-changer.

Lastly, because I felt so completely desperate and helpless, my prayer life increased ahundredfold.  I wasn't on my knees for hours on end-no-not a chance.  I didn't have that time.  But I was folding laundry (prayer), sweeping the floor (prayer), talking to Doctors (prayer), hearing my baby gag (prayer).

The list.  I write it out to remind myself that, yes, it is a lot-but it could be more.  Yes, the load feels heavy at times.  But also, yes, God is with me right in the middle of it all.  And, to remind myself to continue in the lessons He's so firmly taught me - to Abide in Him, to worship in the tasks He has given me, and to pray continually.  To know that the last two listed - spending quiet time in prayer and reading my Bible - are worth fighting and sacrificing for.

So, now that things are back to "normal,"  we're not missing church anymore.  Corporate worship is so much sweeter now that I know Jesus a little better.  I remember trying to live, walk, breathe worship before, but until the rug was yanked from beneath my feet, I didn't really get it.  Not that I do it all the time now.  Nope.  It's still a struggle and a battle.  But now I get it.  I've lived it.  I know it. 
And that's the gift of these last 18 months.

Done

I was done.  Really done.

I lay in bed, thoughts swirling tumultuously – Oh, to drive away and keep going!

 I just wanted it all to stop: the kids, the husband, the life.  When I looked towards them:  they needed something.  Always.  When I looked towards him:  he suffered pain.  Always.   When I looked towards myself:  insufficiency.  Always.

In my mind, I drove away.  Over and over again.  I ran away and left because I wanted quietness and peace and I knew they’d be better off anyway.  Too bad, even in my imagination, that every destination was wrought with its own set of overwhelming problems.   I had to get a job or help other people and still shop for food and cook it. Nowhere could I go and just be.  Just sit.  Just be worthless. 

So I didn’t drive away, but I felt sad.  Really sad.  These life problems – too much!  I felt the sting and disappointments of the cards I’d been dealt.

After two long nights of horrible, torturous thoughts, Sunday morning dawned.  I awoke defeated and stonefaced.  I’m too stubborn to ever quit, but that’s what I wanted.  These thoughts of overwhelming worthlessness had agonized me long enough.  I knew they were not of God but felt so trapped.  I also knew that I needed prayer and council and quick!  I’d been in that same spot almost exactly a year before and James had sent me to some rejuvenating solitude, but this time I felt that I needed some listening people ears.  I prayed that our mentors would be in town that weekend, that I would see them at church (not a given in a megachurch), and that they would offer to talk to me that day.  And so, as I stood, they walked through the door. I got to the point and told them I was barely holding together and please, could they talk with me soon?  Yes!  Yes, they could!  How about Tuesday?  Or Wednesday? I don’t remember the days, really, I was crying.  How about today?  YES!  TODAY!  God answers prayer.  God loves me, even when I’m not looking in the right direction.

A pivotal day.  A praising Jesus day.  A day that they sacrificed to listen to this hurting girl.  And I told them everything.  James sat in the other room while I told them all my sadnesses, all my recent sins.  I poured it all out.  The bittersweetness of life, the unknown roles, the expectations, the exhaustion, the tension, the resentment, my critical heart and the darkness of the days ahead.

And here’s the thing.  As I sat, drinking my water, and soaking in their council, I realized that they did not tell me that I was doing a great job and that things would get better soon.  They didn’t tell me that my husband was wrong, or my kids.  Who they pointed to, gently albeit, was me and Jesus.  My time spent with Him.  My time listening to Him.  A verse to replace the lies.  And the great importance of recharging, of not making excuses against rest until I felt insane, was insane.

I’d lost it, nearly, for lack of rest; physical and spiritual. 

For lack of wisdom in knowing the right time to stop. 

For lack of ability to push past the feelings of guilt in needing time for myself. 

And, in not taking that time, I’d made a hard situation worse. 

In these last couple weeks since I broke, God has been faithfully prodding me onward with His love.  More than that, He’s been lifting me up.  I’ve received letters, and phone calls, and other encouragements from people.  The sermons and talks have been exactly what I needed to hear.  My humble, loving, open and willing husband has been praying for me and our relationship has a renewed breath in it.  Everything that I’m hearing each day seems to have a synchronized tone of stopping, resting, being.  Of course it’s God telling me this.

In a way it’s funny.  In my moment of desperation, I wanted to stop and rest to be, and I could not although I was shutting down.  It’s also beautiful.  God has given me my heart’s desire although I have only slightly slowed.  

Moses asks, “Who am I, that I should [do this great task]…?” and God does not directly answer his question.  He responds, “I will be with you” (Gen 3:11-12).  Does it matter who I am or am not or how great the task at hand is when God is with me? 

Lamentations 3:19-23 says, “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  This verse keeps coming at me.

James and I have set in place a survival plan, more than that, it’s a living life well plan.

* Thursday nights have become sacred.  One or the other of us has the evening off, completely off.  It’s my Thursday today.  I think I have anticipated this lifeline evening every day for the last 11 days.  

*James has declared a night where we debrief and check in with each other. 

*We keep each other more accountable for time spent reading our Bibles.  

*And less distraction of screens!

Am I the only one out there who forgets to stop?  Who hits the wall once in a while?  Who keeps running so fast that I lose my focus completely?  I don't think so.

My problem, like Moses, was that I was looking too much at myself and the situation.  I was too small and it was too big. 

I became overwhelmed and lost and didn't hear the words that were and are always there.

I AM WITH YOU.