On Rest (Written in February but not posted til now....)

I've been seeking rest.

I'm a little bit on hold, "until we get past this."  The problem is, there's always a new "this."  Sometimes it's big, sometimes it's unnoticed-a dripping faucet-but I can't rest.  I have to recover instead.  Or figure out the new thing.

In the past year I've dealt with depression, a traumatic experience with an unconscious child, a month of the flu in our house, my Grandma passing and now 11 nights of RSV scariness in the hospital.  Thrown in there, we've also had Annika on low-activity monitoring because she was showing more symptoms of heart failure and we were attempting to avoid "an emergency 911 situation."  That was October-January.  It's hard to rest when you can't let your 2 year old become too winded, ever.  Those are the big stress boulders.  Only slightly smaller, is the misbehavior of my other kids, and how to navigate each one's needs in the midst of the constant stress.

I know it's typical for kids to be unappreciative of their parents, but when I'm faced with: someone groaning about breakfast; someone being too overwhelmed to do schoolwork; someone yelling at me that they will not, cannot, EVER go to time out and continue to whine and whine and protest no matter what I tell them to do; when my every decision feels fought against; when someone will not put on that shirt; when they constantly tease and bicker - rest feels impossible.

I feel like I'm drowning.  I can't even think clearly.  The quiet evenings to ourselves don't start until 9 at the very earliest and, by that time, we're wasted.  We can't put together cohesive sentences or even focus our eyes on anything.  We just droop around and drool.  No.  Not really.  But sort of.

I read this and think, "Ok, then.  Get a grip on your kids.  This is the real issue here."  Maybe it is.  But I don't think we're alone in this.  I think there are seasons of THIS IS TOO HARD with our kids.  There are so many times, lately especially, when I throw up my hands because I have no idea what to do! 

I think because of all the "bigger" things happening, I lose sight of the "smaller" things, the ones which really matter.  I wake up in the morning and throw myself into autopilot.  Home school, cleaning, feeding Annika (she still requires a lot of time and assistance), cooking, cleaning, refereeing, and did I say cleaning?...getting it all done.  I just go.  And in my going, I sort of forget to plan and to really think!  I forget that these dear little ones are my number one ministry right now.  I forget that they are my calling.  I forget!

I forget that, while I'm going and pushing through and hoping for that future rest, the days are flying by and they're growing up.  And because I'm not quite rested, right now, I'm not quite giving them my best.  In fact, sometimes it's my worst.

That's the challenge.  That's the call.  To rest now.  To find rest now.  That future calm may not come until you find yourself in Heavenly eternity with your Creator.  I might not have a week of solitude, ever, but I can play my guitar and my piano every day.  I can sing.  I can get up early and read or write.  I don't.  Not often enough.  But I can, and I should, because it's rest for me, and as I rest, I can give more of myself.  And I can think.