There were times this past year when I felt crazy. I was doing the same thing all the time every day and it was more than I could do. I was dizzy from walking in circles in my tiny condo as I fetched this or that to care for Annika and to maintain her feeding tube. Ever changing was her feeding schedule, profuse was her vomit, and mysterious were the reasons for her decision to stop eating. So many questions and changes. Stuff like this can drive a person mad. I've heard of it. And it could have been. Really.
But I know that God, in His grace, surrounded us with an amazing network of supporting friends and family. I remember so many meals brought to us-or hearing about them when I was away-for 2 1/2 solid months! My Mom came twice and stayed long when we were desperate for help. My Mom-in-Law jumped in and took the 3 for one night each week for 4-5 months so they could get attention and excitement when I could give them little. My Lovely Neighbor brought lots and lots of cookies, and dinners, and took the kids on a few occasions. One Dearest One did Costco runs when our fridge was bare and I couldn't get there. Another Sweet Family cooked extra so they could store up food in their freezer and bring us an occasional cooler full of emergency dinners. And yet another Kind Friend took me away for the evening and treated me to a massage. And we've received so many surprises: $ for dinner, a devotional book on suffering, encouraging notes and verses and texts and facebook comments, more $ for more dinners, and a gigantic surprise Costco gift card so that-now that I can go there myself- we can have pizza every night for the next year and a half. We were given $ for a house cleaner and more $ for a house cleaner and more $ for whatever so I called the house cleaner. $ from my Grandma to help defer the costs of doctor co-pays and gas to get there was a huge blessing.
People responded in overwhelming ways when Annika first was diagnosed. The facebook posts were through the roof, and that was partly what knocked into my head the gravity of the situation. We didn't get out much, but when we did there were smiles and hugs and pats on the back and listening ears. And there were phone calls galore.
And at the moment when I really did start to lose my mind, my Dearest Love (who is the strongest of the Strong) commanded that I should GO and have an entire night of quietness and solitude and no Annika with her beeping machine. That night saved a lot in me. It allowed me to pull my thoughts together, to lay my complaints before God, and to sit - just sit -as He spoke to my heart. A healing balm soothed my soul as I read my Bible and released my anger.
I write this because I want to remember. I want to remember how it felt to be loved and how to love well. Love doesn't just hope and aspire but it takes action and does. Love is not always easy. To Love is to look outward, not inward. How many hours were spent making and driving food to my family? How many sacrifices were made to give us money in our darkest hour? How many thoughts were thought and put into action?
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