Before the afternoon hit, however, we went to church. I actually did manage to get all the kids ready, mostly on my own, while James worked out last minute details for his talk today at Sunday School. So we get there bright and early, James distributes the kids around the church campus (seriously, I think when I get this way he gets a little scared of me and sends me away, although, I also know he wants to encourage me) and I cozy off by myself anonymously into my seat (you can do that in a megachurch). We had a guest speaker today. A phenomenal speaker. The text was announced, Isaiah 6:1-8, and I knew that this sermon was meant to be heard by me. Isaiah's call and commission is one of my very favorite parts of the Bible-but my own passion has admittedly lessened and been partially replaced with what-ifs and fears as we've faced hardship after hardship. (Click here if you want to read from Isaiah) As the pastor began speaking I sat with holy fear and anticipation. Why today? Of course today.
I'm not going to re-preach a wonderful, engaging, funny sermon. I couldn't do it half the justice it deserves. But here it is for your own delight. What I am going to say is that, in the end, I wrote down in capital letters: "IT'S NOT GOING TO GET EASIER. How to keep going?" Because, really, what if life doesn't get easier? What if it gets harder? What if I keep waiting for a good change, only to be disappointed? Am I going to continue allowing my soul and mind and heart to numb against the pain, or will I push into it and embrace it?
I have the choice. I can escape. I can eat a lot of chocolate chip cookies and drink my favorite tea. I can run so fast that I feel it's behind me. I can space out on facebook all the time. I can watch "Lost" for 8 nights straight. I can avoid the thought of it and pretend to myself that it's not there. But, no matter what I do, it is there. I'm living a lie. And then I grow numb with the thought of it when I'm too weary to push it aside.
I think I really did naively expect life to be a bowl of bon-bons and sugar-coated candy in my younger days. I mean, I married the man of my dreams, I ended up with the 4 most beautiful children in the world and I live in a privileged, prosperous country. However, I didn't count on having a husband with chronic pain, a baby with a heart condition, and on facing the inescapable darkness of my own heart. I tell you, it's not been easy. When God asks "Whom shall I send," how do I exuberantly cry out "Here am I. Send me!" into a future that looks painful and bleak and when I have so many questions and it's already too hard right now? But what is the exchange? If I don't go, if I don't answer His call, if I merely sit and watch and wait....it's not going to get better. In fact, my own fearful disobedience will make it worse.
I have a choice. Life is not all que sera sera. It's true I don't know what is coming, but I do know the One who does and Who is walking by my side holding my hand. I know I have a book chock-full of His words and wisdom and comfort. Do I allow whatever will be, to be? Or do I take the scary walk of faith forward with Him?
I'm not going to re-preach a wonderful, engaging, funny sermon. I couldn't do it half the justice it deserves. But here it is for your own delight. What I am going to say is that, in the end, I wrote down in capital letters: "IT'S NOT GOING TO GET EASIER. How to keep going?" Because, really, what if life doesn't get easier? What if it gets harder? What if I keep waiting for a good change, only to be disappointed? Am I going to continue allowing my soul and mind and heart to numb against the pain, or will I push into it and embrace it?
I have the choice. I can escape. I can eat a lot of chocolate chip cookies and drink my favorite tea. I can run so fast that I feel it's behind me. I can space out on facebook all the time. I can watch "Lost" for 8 nights straight. I can avoid the thought of it and pretend to myself that it's not there. But, no matter what I do, it is there. I'm living a lie. And then I grow numb with the thought of it when I'm too weary to push it aside.
I think I really did naively expect life to be a bowl of bon-bons and sugar-coated candy in my younger days. I mean, I married the man of my dreams, I ended up with the 4 most beautiful children in the world and I live in a privileged, prosperous country. However, I didn't count on having a husband with chronic pain, a baby with a heart condition, and on facing the inescapable darkness of my own heart. I tell you, it's not been easy. When God asks "Whom shall I send," how do I exuberantly cry out "Here am I. Send me!" into a future that looks painful and bleak and when I have so many questions and it's already too hard right now? But what is the exchange? If I don't go, if I don't answer His call, if I merely sit and watch and wait....it's not going to get better. In fact, my own fearful disobedience will make it worse.
I have a choice. Life is not all que sera sera. It's true I don't know what is coming, but I do know the One who does and Who is walking by my side holding my hand. I know I have a book chock-full of His words and wisdom and comfort. Do I allow whatever will be, to be? Or do I take the scary walk of faith forward with Him?
