A Glint of Joy

The other day I saw a glint of joy.
I felt it for a moment,
Just a spark.
I followed it in my mind 
Until a lush valley of promise 
Opened up before me.
And I remembered how it was
And I hoped that it could be

Then my mind returned to present
Restrictions, darkness, pain
And I felt enveloped by it all
And I sat.

I sat.  

And sat.

And stayed so still.
Until darkness surrounded all
So I closed my eyes.



















As I sat, alone, eyes closed
I felt it again.  And heard.
                                             "Open your eyes.  Arise."
"No.  I will not.  I cannot."
                                             "Open your eyes.  Arise."
"I don't have the strength."
                                             "You're not alone."


A pause.  A breath.  Resignation.
It's easier to stay
And my eyes opened
To darkness still.
I stood up
Took a step
And I tripped and fell and bled and cried.
                                                 
                                              "Arise."
"THIS IS TOO HARD!"
                                              "You're not alone."

Another breath.
I pushed myself up again 
using the stone that had tripped me.
A tentative sweep of the foot 
More stones surrounded me in the darkness.
I explored with my hands
Smooth, jagged, sandy
Pebbles, rocks, boulders
Strewn everywhere in the pitch blackness
Probably for miles ahead
A lifetime's journey.

"Impossible," I muttered under my breath

                                               "You're not alone."

"I can't see You.
I can't move.
I'm going to fall again.
It hurts.
And I'm still bleeding."

I sat on the tripping stone.
Head bowed.
Eyes closed.

                                                                              "Open your eyes.  Arise.
                                                                   I am with you."

Echoing words.
Echoing.
Echoing.


Could it be?
I heard them.
I felt them.
Felt again.
What is this?
I'd forgotten.

I opened my eyes.
Looked up.
Barely perceiving
Through the distant murkiness
A glint
A glint of joy
Just a spark.



I arose.



















                                       

Should...

I should be in bed.  
That's a truth.  
But what else?

I should be a better mom.
I should be a better house keeper.
I should know the right answers.
I should not get angry at my kids.
I should be more organized.
I should hold it together all the time.
I should go to all those play dates.
I should not home school anymore.
Or maybe I should get better at it.
I should look nicer.
I should not get stains on all my clothes.
I should be a better wife.
I should have everything perfect when my husband gets home.
I should keep my car clean.
I should discipline better.
I should be more disciplined myself.
I should not be late.
I should spend more time reading and writing.
I should throw better parties.
I should not eat those cookies.
I should.
I should!
I should???


And who told me that I should?
I'm tired of this voice!
And how can I do it all?

Quiet, you!!

I should not listen to all these lies anymore!  Outta here, Should!  Can, Will, Must and Want To can stay, but no more Should!

Nope!

Except for I should be in bed.